4am Thoughts

Good morning!

Have a brunch to go to later, running on 7 hours of sleep total over 3 days! I really need some rest.

Got a much needed haircut yesterday, feels so much better having shorter hair in the summer heat.  Speaking of which, I’m so ready for fall and winter.  This weather is disgusting, it feels like walking into an oven when I go out most days.

Kind of got off track with drawing the past few days because I’ve been busy, so I’m hoping to maybe start something later today.

Oh yeah, I finally got around to buying Death Wish coffee, probably not going to help me with my sleep problems! but it will be a good caffeine boost once in awhile, it’s got like some of the highest caffeine content available.





Can’t Sleep


reading (2).JPG


It’s been very hot lately, ready for summer to be over! I would gladly live in an igloo over being outside in the heat.  😀

Coffee is becoming an issue again, I’m really trying to cut back, it’s been interfering with my sleep.  Started using myfitnesspal in conjunction with my fitbit zip to get healthy and lose some weight.  I think it should be helpful since I often don’t keep track of what I’m eating, and I end up having too much food without realizing it.

I’ve been reading a lot, my concentration has improved quite a bit.  Right now I’m reading a biography of Mother Teresa.

Re-started Stranger Things from Season one, I had seen the first 2 seasons but it’s been awhile and I wanted a refresher before I start season 3.   Looking forward to watching it, it’s such an awesome show.

Haven’t really had much going on but I’ve been doing well.  🙂



I love nature, this is a picture I took around the autumn of this year

I’m extremely frustrated with the place I currently live, I’m trying to get into a different apartment, hoping there’s an opening soon in the place I applied to.

I was struggling very badly with sleep for awhile but my seroquel was increased and I’ve been getting great rest.  I was actually hallucinating from so much sleep deprivation, that’s how I spent my birthday

I plan on doing some things I’ve been putting off for way too long next week.  Dentist, and also getting a physical.  Trying to stop putting stuff off and procrastinating and just do what I need to when I should.  I’m a little worried about going to the dentist.  A few years ago I got all the work I needed to get done from the damage due to purging but I had maybe a 6 month long relapse since then and I’m scared to find out how much I screwed up my teeth again.  I really hope this will be the last time I have to deal with this, I know I’ll have to get a lot of work done.

This coming weekend is going to be relaxing.  I’m going to make peanut butter fudge and enjoy the new game I bought for my Nintendo Switch, Yonder: The Cloud Catcher Chronicles.  It looks like an amazing game from what I’ve seen!


Thanks for reading! 🙂

Update: Missing Inspiration

I’ve been very exhausted during the day, so much that I fall asleep for an hour or so by the mid-morning/afternoon, so I spoke to my pharmacist about switching one of my medications to night time and she said that was okay, so I’ll be trying that out tomorrow, hoping that helps!  I’ve been quite unmotivated lately, which I’m trying to work on.  Was feeling depressed for awhile but I seem to be doing better in that regard the past few days.  Did some yoga and drew a picture earlier.  Need to take some walks during the weekend.  It’s going to rain and I’m very happy about that, not a fan of hot weather.  I prefer rain or snow actually, something about summer frustrates me.  I think it’s because there’s so many people out and about, makes me very anxious.  I like the calm feeling of rainy days and the quietness of winter.

I’m trying to find how to get my inspiration back, I used to be inspired easily to write, draw, and do other projects. It’s like I’m missing the spark I used to have.  Anyone have any tips?

Really have been getting back into gaming.  Lately I’ve been playing Story of Seasons: A Trio of Towns.  It’s very relaxing and fun.  Also have been messing around on the Sims 4, making weird characters. I am really looking forward to E3 and hopefully finding out news about the new Animal Crossing game, there’s been no details released even though they announced it a long time ago.

Caught Zapdos today on Lets Go Pikachu!




I’m not exactly sure how this happened but I ended up sleeping all of last night plus half of the day.  Couldn’t seem to get out of bed.

In general though things have been going well.  I feel motivated and am enjoying my classes.  I’ve been facing my anxiety more. I finally renewed my gym membership and started working out again.  It feels so good, I don’t understand why I didn’t go for the past 6 months.  I wanted to, but I had anxiety about it for some reason even though I used to go all the time, something about going started making me feel anxious.  I guess I go through phases where I don’t like leaving the house.  It’s been better though.  I’m getting out of the house almost every day of the week now.

Watched the movie Deadpool last night for the first time.  OMG.  It was amazing, why has it taken me this long to see it!? So damn funny. I’ll probably be watching Deadpool 2 during the week.

Still reading The Chronicles of Narnia.  It’s taking me much longer than books normally take me because I’ve been having trouble concentrating, it’s great though.  Also reading The Conundrum by David Owen for my Environmental Science class.  It’s basically about how improved efficiency and technological advances that may be intended to help us lessen our effects on the environment can sometimes backfire and cause additional environmental problems.  It’s very interesting.

I’ll likely be up all night and during the day tomorrow.  I don’t see myself sleeping after all the sleep I just got and because I’ve got plans to hang out with a friend tomorrow.

Will be watching a horror movie later,  The Nun.  I’m going to start working on drawing some manga style art using a tutorial book on it I got from the library.

Thanks for reading!  What’s everyone else watching, reading, or playing?



Goals for 2019

I’ve decided to set some goals for this year.  Normally I go completely overboard and set a massive amount of unrealistic goals and I never accomplish them, because they’re overwhelming and, well, not exactly feasible most of the time.

My goals for this year are the following:

  1. Keep a regulated sleep sleep routine:  I have had so many problems regarding sleep the past several years.  I’m either sleeping way too much or not sleeping enough/at all.  So, I did end up getting on Seroquel recently for sleep and it has been helping immensely.  I generally am able to fall asleep about an hour and a half after I take it.  It slows my racing thoughts and I get good sleep.  The goal then, is to keep going to sleep every night around the same time and getting up around the same time in the morning.  I have a habit of sometimes trying to force myself to stay up for long periods of time because I get excited and come up with ideas of things I want to do and things I want to learn.  I feel very motivated at night, which is annoying because that would be helpful during the day… anyway, I’m going to try my best to stick to my routine because like most people, I’m a mess when my sleep is screwed up.
  2. Eat healthier: I did very well eating healthy for a long time but the past few months have been bad.  I’m obsessed with sugar.  Pastries, cookies, ice cream, candy bars, etc I have been on a massive sugar binge and it needs to stop.  There’s nothing wrong with having treats now and then, but I’ve been way overdoing it. And of course, I need to eat healthier stuff in general.  I’ve been going for the convenience stuff 99% of the time which is not good for health.  I also want to cook more with fresh ingredients and try new foods.
  3. Begin learning Italian: I’ve been doing this on and off for several years but haven’t made much progress because I study it sporadically.   I did take an intro to Italian class at my college which was fun but it only touched on basic stuff and they stopped offering the second level for some reason.  I’ll go months without working on it then suddenly start studying again for a week, and repeat, etc.  I’d like to put more effort into it, be consistent and learn a little more every day.
  4. Be more physically active:  I need to exercise.  I used to go to the gym a lot but I stopped for a long time.  I have a free membership to a gym with my college ID so I really have no excuse.  I’d like to walk more and do yoga when I have time as well.
  5. Devote time to drawing/art: I used to be so passionate about art and would spend hours working on drawings and paintings.  I rarely do it anymore and I really enjoy it so I want to make time for it again.
  6. Improve faith life:  Okay, so I haven’t been going to church much.  Part of it is anxiety related and part of it is not wanting to go out in the weather we’ve been having.  My relationship with God, is basically non-existent as of the past 6 months.  I’ve put God on the back burner of my life which isn’t good.  I used to be more involved in my faith and really want to work on getting connected to it again.

I plan on doing my best to make progress with these goals throughout the year.  I know it will take a lot of work but I’m committed to these goals.  Hopefully I will be able to provide and update several months from now with how things are going with them 🙂

What Helps Me When Anxious

Lately I’ve had a lot of severe anxiety but I’ve been able to cope with it pretty well.  Here’s some of the things that have helped me:

  1. Journaling:  Last night I couldn’t sleep and my mind was racing so I got up and started writing in my journal, just about everything going on in my mind.  Normally when I journal it’s just to write about what’s been going on in my life and I’ve never really used as a coping skill during an actual problem with anxiety or anything else.  It was a good experience and I’m wondering why I never used it that way before.  I just kept writing until I calmed down eventually.  I like documenting things going on in my life but this was really helpful for releasing anxiety onto paper.
  2. Videogames: I love playing games and the other night I was panicking so I decided to play Lord of the Rings LEGO on my 3DS.  It was so relaxing! I play wide array of games but I think my top games to play when trying to relax would be Animal Crossing and any of the LEGO games.   Some games are too stimulating for that purpose and more complex, which I enjoy but they aren’t as helpful when trying to reduce panic because it requires too much concentration.
  3. Drawing or Coloring: I love drawing and coloring, and I don’t do it often enough.  I think it was maybe last week I was really having a hard time sleeping so I got my sketch book out and started doodling some zentangle stuff while listening to music.  It’s a nice way to be creative and keep my hands busy.
  4. Praying: I’m Catholic, so I find praying the Rosary to be calming.  It’s repetitive and a good way to meditate, plus the beads feel nice to hold and help keep track of the prayers.  I feel like I’m holding onto my faith physically when I pray with rosary beads.

I’ve noticed a lot of the anxiousness happens at night and the four things that have been most helpful all involve using my hands (holding pencils, the rosary, video game).  I’m not really sure why I get so anxious towards the evening.  It’s a lot worse when I haven’t slept the previous night.  I get hyper aware of everything, especially my heartbeat and I start thinking I’m dying.  I’m proud of myself for taking action and distracting myself when these things happen because I had a tendency in the past to just get consumed by it and freak out even more.  Meditating while closing my eyes used to help me but for some reason it causes me to have the physical sensation that I’m flying or on a roller coaster blindfolded when I do which makes things worse.  I’ve been wondering about other hobbies I could get into that could be helpful as well.  I know a lot of people enjoy crocheting, maybe I’ll try that someday.

Feeling Good

I’m on a new medication and some other stuff has been adjusted.  This is the first day I haven’t felt like my mind would explode from racing thoughts and agitation.  Slept through the night and wasn’t tossing or turning. I feel peaceful.  No frantic pacing back and forth.  I think things will be okay.  I shouldn’t have let things get so bad before asking for help but at least I did reach out.  I always have had this idea in my head that I can do everything on my own and I don’t want to bother people, which is pretty strange since that’s what my doctor and therapist, etc are there for, to reach out when I need to.

I’m so relieved, it’s the best feeling.  Anyway, I just wanted to do a quick update.  And that’s the reason why I wasn’t able to post day 3 of my drawing challenge yesterday and did it today instead.

Hope everyone is doing well! 🙂


Starting Off the New Year Right

I finally got some sleep.  I think it’s possible that not eating enough was contributing to it as well as all the other stuff.  I barely ate anything for a couple weeks and was weighing myself 5 or more times a day.  I feel SO much better since eating. I can’t do that anymore, it’s ridiculous.  6 years of bulimia, it’s been like 3 months without purging but I’ve been trying to hold onto restricting, I have to let it go completely. I forced myself to stay in bed last night even though I wanted to get up and pace around like I normally do because I had a lot of thoughts going through my mind and it was getting me really energized.  So it was a long night of tossing and turning but I eventually fell asleep.

I’m really trying to make changes in my life.  I did stress relief yoga last night and it felt really good.  Went grocery shopping today so I finally have actual legitimate food in my apartment other than crackers.  Working on dealing with my anxiety rather than letting it run rampant like it’s been the past few months.

I’m using my wax melter I recently bought, there are so many great scents available.  Drawing, coloring, journaling.  Just basically doing everything I can to manage stress.

Found out I qualify for the Dean’s list at my college.  My GPA would technically be higher than that but I had that one semester where I stopped showing up a couple years ago because of ending up in the hospital, so since I didn’t withdraw from those classes in time my GPA went way down.  It’s going back up though! After next semester I’ll be halfway done with my associates of science in human services.  It’s taken me awhile since I’ve had to do it part time and take time off but I’m getting there. 🙂

Here’s a picture of my church from midnight mass on Christmas Eve


Can’t Sleep

Back to the not being able to sleep stuff again.  3 hours Thursday night, 4 Friday night, and 3 hours tonight.  I guess I don’t really mind since I’m not exactly tired, it just makes my days really long.  I’m doing well though.  I had a pretty good Christmas, was somewhat depressed though due to the anniversary of my moms death coming up.  I was also having very bad panic attacks for a couple weeks, but I’m feeling better now.  I think I spent a better part of a 24 hour period believing I was dying and my medications were killing me somehow, I’m sure being up for 36 hours before going in to take a final exam didn’t help.

I’ve been enjoying winter break.  Next semester starts January 22nd so I still have a lot of time off.  I’ll be spending New Years Eve/Day with a friend of mine.

I learned how to use chopsticks!  Finally.  My sister bought me LED chopsticks, which everyone needs of course 🙂


Need to get back to the gym.  When I went last week I had a panic attack while I was working out which was strange, never had that happen before.  I just kept working out through it though.

Here’s a video from a band I think deserves more recognition, I’ve been listening to them for years, this is one of my favorite songs from them (the song Carnival of Rust seems to be more popular though, it’s also great)

No End, No Beginning by Poets of the Fall