Low

I seem to have spiraled into somewhat of a depression in the past several days after getting to my ultimate high and feeling amazing for once. I slept for most of 48 hours /Friday through Sunday.  Got up a few times briefly but went right back to bed.  I’m doing what I can to manage it though.  I have a lot of agitation and anxiety as well.  Not sure where this is all coming from.  Today was better in many ways though, I got out of the house at least and I didn’t sleep the whole day.  Slept a lot, but not as much as before so that’s an improvement. I’m doing everything I can to distract myself and stay calm despite the underlying restlessness and depression.  I’m hoping to pull myself out of this.

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That Spark

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That spark I was missing for so long is finally back.  I used to find inspiration everywhere, constantly getting ideas and wanting to learn more.  For a long time, probably the better part of the past year I wasn’t feeling any excitement or happiness.  I had tried to get it back for so long, but nothing did it.  It’s not something that can be forced, it’s not just a state of mind, it’s a physical feeling as well.  I wasn’t necessarily unhappy or depressed but I didn’t feel good emotions intensely anymore. Maybe it’s my recent medication changes/adjustment, all I know is I feel like myself again.  I have always been a really upbeat optimistic person, and I feel happiness on such a deep level.  After about 3 months of not hanging out with friends and isolating myself making up excuses, cancelling plans all the time due to anxiety, I started being social again.  Earlier this week I spent the whole day with a good friend of mine and had a lot of fun.  Today I went out to lunch.  I’ve been drawing and writing much more frequently, exercising, staying on top of cleaning my place. Things excite me again, I have goals and ambitions.  I’m hoping very much that this continues, and am definitely taking advantage of it.  🙂

 

Agitation and Anxiety

The spring/summer time is difficult for me.   I’m not exactly sure why but I get very agitated often during these months.  It’s like I’m ready to implode or something, it’s frustrating but I’ve been doing my best to calm myself down when this happens.  I think that I’ve made a lot of improvement over the years.  A long time ago if I was feeling like that I would generally act on impulse and do stupid/reckless things.  I’m able to recognize when I’m feeling on edge now and to take steps to chill out.

Last night it was coloring and videogames.  I enjoy coloring, it’s relaxing, hard to get myself to actually do it but once I do I get lost in it and feel a lot better afterwards because I’m doing something with my hands, coloring different pieces one at a time and focusing all of my attention.  Videogames of course are a great distraction for me.  Right now I’m playing Lets Go Pikachu.  Next game I plan on playing is Stardew Valley, I already own it but wanted to just focus on one or two games at a time.

I took a walk today and it felt really nice to get out and clear my mind.  The weather was beautiful.  Another thing I’ve been doing is turning on my scented wax tart melter.  Aromatherapy helps keep me grounded.

One problem when I get agitated and restless is that I feel so.. I don’t know how to describe it other than crawling out of my skin, so I get aggravated because at first it’s hard to get into any of these things when in the state of mine.  What I do is make myself take a deep breath and give it a shot and most of the time I ended up getting really absorbed into whatever distraction or hobby I’m doing and before I know it I’ve calmed down and feel much more relaxed, even happy.  It’s definitely a challenge but I think the more I turn to these things instead of letting emotions and feelings simmer and build up to an unbearable point the easier it will get.

Here’s a picture of the coloring page I did yesterday 🙂

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Why I Vanished for Awhile

Hello! I haven’t posted in quite awhile.  I had some medication changes for schizoaffective/bipolar and was struggling pretty badly with my eating disorder but I’m recovering now!

I’m determined to get better, and am working hard at it.  I had a serious wake up call recently.

Anyway, it’s now spring, and I already miss fall and winter but I am enjoying the sunshine I’ll admit.  Thankfully it’s not too hot here yet, I really dislike hot temps, I love the snow and cold weather.

I ended up having to take a break from school and am going to be working on getting a part time job, the plan is to start taking classes again in the fall.

Sorry for not posting in so long, just have had a lot going on but I plan to be more active on here now that I’m more stable 🙂

Awake and Alive

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The above image is a sketch I did a few months ago.  I really enjoy nature! 🙂

 

Hello!

I know my posts have been very sporadic and not very interesting.  I had some serious struggles with my mental health the past several months and am going through med changes and adjustments.  I’m beginning to feel normal and actually happy for the first time in quite awhile.  I’m able to sleep too which is always nice!

Right now I’m reading a book called Surviving Schizophrenia by E. Fuller Torrey, M.D. (6th Edition)  It’s very interesting and strange at the same time.  I’m reading about this stuff and looking back and seeing how things progressed over my teen years to the first major episode when I was 18.  I had no clue back then, didn’t recognize any of the signs and symptoms as they slowly crept in.  Even years later I had trouble figuring out how it all happened,  to me looking back it seemed like all the sudden I lost my mind but that’s definitely not how it actually occurred.  There were major signs and problems leading up to the onset.  Things I could never explain or even knew there were terms for.  Even up till now I’ve always assumed in addition to the schizoaffective I was just a really bizarre person but they were actually signs and symptoms I wasn’t aware of.

I don’t feel disoriented right now, I feel peaceful.  I really am hoping this lasts.  I’m feeling motivated to get back into my artwork as I’m able to concentrate now.  Trying to do things to take care of my mental health.  Staying in somewhat of a routine at least with sleeping and eating.  Getting some exercise and going out of the house everyday, cleaning, keeping up with personal hygiene, doing things I enjoy. Yes, personal hygiene.  That’s embarrassing to say but it’s a struggle with many mental illnesses and tends to really decline when a person isn’t doing well.

So, I hope to start making posts at least somewhat regularly.  I hope my readers are doing well!

I also wanted to share two links that I’ve found helpful to refer to when struggling with hearing distressing voices

https://www.rw.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/hvnwa-coping-stratigies-poster.pdf

http://www.hearing-voices.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Hearing_Voices_Coping_Strategies_web.pdf

 

 

 

Still Here

I had some symptoms come back with the schizoaffective.  I did well for almost a year but things escalated recently with hearing a demon talking to me and believing/ and doing some bizarre things.  I kind of was in another world for awhile.  I’ve felt good today and yesterday thankfully, I really hope that is all over, it started building up again around 5 or 6 months ago with getting depressed then went from there.  I don’t want to end up like I was in my late teens again, it scares me how out of touch with reality I was.  I hadn’t been like that in many years, I’m not sure what happened.

Right now I’m just working on getting back on track with my college stuff because I was barely showing up for classes and not doing the work.  Went from straight A’s all through college to getting very low grades recently.  I can get things back where they were it will just take some time.

 

Update: Out of Zombieland

I was very depressed for a couple months.  It started easing up and I actually feel great for the first time in a long time.  Even before I was severely depressed (when it was actually seriously impacting my functioning) I had underlying apathy and negative thoughts.  For a long time I wasn’t feeling my feelings as intensely as I normally do.  And I feel things very intensely, especially happiness. I’ve always felt blessed in that way.  I don’t do drugs but I experimented as a teen and I can honestly say my happiness is actually a more intense/euphoric even physical feeling than any times I had gotten high.  I’ve finally broken out of that numbness and gotten back to that.  I’m very excited about life, I’m not just walking around like a dead person/zombie now as I was for most of 2018 and the beginning of 2019.

The only issue is I’ve been hearing things more.  I don’t know what’s more upsetting, hearing things or feeling like a freak for having those experiences.  It’s happened on and off for a large majority of my life so I should be used to it by now I guess, but still for some reason I always feel like I’ve “failed” in some way when they’re back.

Anyway, I just wanted to write an update since I haven’t written much recently.  Hope my followers are doing well! 🙂

Cats and Comfort

My cats are so wonderful, I never really realized how much they help me with some of my symptoms.  Sometimes I get really agitated when I’m having auditory hallucinations, I end up pacing obsessively.  I noticed that one of my cats gets really upset when I do that, she doesn’t like it at all, she knows somethings wrong with me.  She’s literally pulled me back to reality at times and I would make myself sit down and try to calm down instead of working myself up even more.  Of course, both of them are wonderful, they know when I’m upset or anxious.  They always make me smile and are so relaxing when they’re laying down with/on me.  They’ve got such unique personalities, they’re definitely family!

I had times in the past where I would be very depressed and having serious thoughts of suicide, but I wouldn’t act on it because I would miss them and I didn’t want them to go through not having someone to take care of them and ending up in a shelter, I would never want them to be abandoned like that.  It’s really true that pets are great for reducing anxiety, they provide unconditional love and are so wonderful.

These are my two girls, the orange one is Annie, she’s 6 years old.  She was a rescue I got when she was a kitten.

The greyish one is named Kitten, she’s 10 years old and I got her from a friend when she was 4 years old, the friend of mine was moving and couldn’t bring Kitten with her so she let me have her.  🙂

Update

Haven’t been posting much the past few days because I was having a lot of difficulty with motivation and was feeling pretty bad. I’m starting to feel more optimistic though and things have calmed down with the voices thankfully.

I’ve been getting behind in my classes due to this, I need to get back on top of things. I know I can do it, I’ve done it before. I just have to push myself a little harder this time.

I’m trying to reconnect with my faith, I’ve felt very disconnected from it the past few months. I plan on going to mass tomorrow evening.

One good thing is I have been going to the gym a couple times a week, I find it really helpful to get excess energy out, it helps me feel more relaxed, and it’s healthy of course.

Can’t Sleep

Back to the not being able to sleep stuff again.  3 hours Thursday night, 4 Friday night, and 3 hours tonight.  I guess I don’t really mind since I’m not exactly tired, it just makes my days really long.  I’m doing well though.  I had a pretty good Christmas, was somewhat depressed though due to the anniversary of my moms death coming up.  I was also having very bad panic attacks for a couple weeks, but I’m feeling better now.  I think I spent a better part of a 24 hour period believing I was dying and my medications were killing me somehow, I’m sure being up for 36 hours before going in to take a final exam didn’t help.

I’ve been enjoying winter break.  Next semester starts January 22nd so I still have a lot of time off.  I’ll be spending New Years Eve/Day with a friend of mine.

I learned how to use chopsticks!  Finally.  My sister bought me LED chopsticks, which everyone needs of course 🙂

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Need to get back to the gym.  When I went last week I had a panic attack while I was working out which was strange, never had that happen before.  I just kept working out through it though.

Here’s a video from a band I think deserves more recognition, I’ve been listening to them for years, this is one of my favorite songs from them (the song Carnival of Rust seems to be more popular though, it’s also great)

No End, No Beginning by Poets of the Fall