Dealing with Agitation

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I’ve been having a lot of agitation lately, so I’ve been trying out different things to help with it.

The problem with agitation is the last thing you want to do is sit still and focus on something, you want to keep pacing or doing something negative to relieve it.  I can’t do that though, as much as I’ve wanted to lately.  I force myself to sit still, breath, and do something non destructive.  It’s very uncomfortable in the beginning, going against how you’re feeling but it gets better after awhile.

Walking

  And really any exercise that gets energy out is helpful.  It gives me an outlet for the negative energy.  I’ve been taking lots of long walks, doing sit ups, and reps with weights. I generally use this method when I feel like the agitation is too much and I might do something negative if the energy isn’t released.  Running would probably be helpful too but I’m not really in good shape so that’s not something I’ve been doing right now.  Eventually I likely will though.  

Reading

This is kind of tricky because sometimes when starting to read and being agitated I get pissed off and have a hard time sitting still and just want to throw the book down.  As silly as it seems, taking deep breaths really helps.  I try to just let the anxiety out and focus on what I’m reading.  It generally takes about 10 solid minutes of reading but once I hit that mark I really get into it and can keep going.  So it may start out as something that seems to make things worse but in the end it’s worth sticking it out if possible.  That is, if you actually enjoy reading.  Forcing yourself to read when you’re not into it to begin with probably wouldn’t just be extremely aggravating.

Gaming

I can always count on Animal Crossing: New Leaf to help me relax.  No matter what’s going on, it helps me chill.  It’s such a laid back game but it’s very task oriented which is good to take my mind off things and I find getting things “accomplished” in the game helpful for my anxiety.

Cleaning

Putting on music and cleaning and organizing is great for when I’m feeling agitated because it’s both physical and task oriented.  So I don’t have to sit still, I can move around as much as I want but it’s not that aimless pacing which generally just works me up even more. Plus, it always feels great when your place is nice and tidy.  Having a messy house/apartment really messes with you subconsciously.  It may not seem like a big deal but having a clean place creates peace of mind.

 

This was somewhat of a rambling and non planned post, actually, writing this is something I decided to do to help relieve some of the agitation I was feeling tonight.  So, if anyone has any ideas feel free to add in the comments!  I love learning different ways to cope, there are tons, this barely scratches the surface.

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Setbacks

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Flower I took a picture of this summer

 

I’ve been struggling with my eating disorder lately, I did so well for 3 months then the past week things kind of fell apart.  I started buying tons of junk food.  I’m not very good at doing anything in moderation, I tend towards the extreme of not eating nearly enough to the opposite of bingeing.  I kept things pretty balanced for awhile and I guess I convinced myself that I would never have another problem with this again so I ended up impulsively buying a lot of junk food trying to reason that I’d “have it around the house for a treat once in awhile” and well, I ended up bingeing for several days and purging.  I feel disappointed with myself and disgusted but I’m trying to not let this equate to “failure” in my mind.  It’s a setback that I can learn from and move on.  Obviously I learned having large quantities of junk food in my house is not an option, I don’t know how to control myself and it’s just a disaster waiting to happen.  There’s nothing wrong with having treats once in awhile but I realize I don’t have that kind of self control yet, maybe someday but I think it’s too early in recovery right now for that.  I’m just going to move forward from this and keep working on my recovery.

Thanks for reading!

3 Months!

This coming Tuesday, July 2nd 2019 marks 3 months of recovery from my eating disorder.  I know it’s not much but it’s definitely a great start! I feel motivated to continue and am finding that there is more to life than being a certain weight.  I’ve been challenging my thoughts whenever I have negative ones that make me want to obsessively exercise or restrict and whatnot.  So I’m fighting back, and I’ve put my scale away in my closet.  I used to weigh myself multiple times a day, every day almost obsessively but it’s staying there for now and I will use it in a normal manner, as in maybe once a month.  I actually had it sitting in my kitchen which is really messed up, but anyway it’s put away now.  I’m feeling very thankful to have made this progress and am hopeful that it continues, and that anyone else who’s struggling to recover can find peace as well.

Thanks for reading! 😀

Just Do It

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I’ve been very productive lately.  Studying math on Khan Academy, Italian on Duolingo, drawing, exercising, reading a lot, cleaning.  I feel good!  Having trouble sleeping the past few days, it’s going on 5am now, I only got 4 hours of sleep though, same the previous night.  Either way, I feel much more motivated which is so good, because I was in a rut for a long time.  I’ve been excited about things in my life, and managing my anxiety better.  I tend to tell myself “Just Do It” like the Nike catchphrase, when needing or wanting to do certain things but feeling apprehension about it.  I just go right into whatever I need to do without thinking about it, the hardest part is starting, whether that be drawing or exercising, once I start I can really get into it and the motivation follows, I had been wasting so much time in my life waiting for the right moment to do things or waiting until the motivation comes to me, and never getting anything done.

Thanks for reading!

Update

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I love nature, this is a picture I took around the autumn of this year

I’m extremely frustrated with the place I currently live, I’m trying to get into a different apartment, hoping there’s an opening soon in the place I applied to.

I was struggling very badly with sleep for awhile but my seroquel was increased and I’ve been getting great rest.  I was actually hallucinating from so much sleep deprivation, that’s how I spent my birthday

I plan on doing some things I’ve been putting off for way too long next week.  Dentist, and also getting a physical.  Trying to stop putting stuff off and procrastinating and just do what I need to when I should.  I’m a little worried about going to the dentist.  A few years ago I got all the work I needed to get done from the damage due to purging but I had maybe a 6 month long relapse since then and I’m scared to find out how much I screwed up my teeth again.  I really hope this will be the last time I have to deal with this, I know I’ll have to get a lot of work done.

This coming weekend is going to be relaxing.  I’m going to make peanut butter fudge and enjoy the new game I bought for my Nintendo Switch, Yonder: The Cloud Catcher Chronicles.  It looks like an amazing game from what I’ve seen!

 

Thanks for reading! 🙂

Progress

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I started getting obsessed with my weight again, not eating enough, overly active.  I recognized it quickly though and have consciously been making sure I don’t do that and make better decisions.  I understand recovery from eating disorders isn’t linear, and nobody’s perfect, so falling back into old habits sometimes happens.  It’s hard to change something that’s been part of your life for 7 years.  I’ve been reading through different books on the subject and I realize I do have things in my life that are more important than my weight, much more important things.  I love life, love my family (including my pets!) and friends.  I have a lot more to live for than spending my days trapped in the obsession of weight and calories.

 

Nails and Decaf Coffee

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Did my nails tonight, I started doing them again recently.  I used to be into makeup and stuff like that but I got to the point where I didn’t really care about making myself look nice, partially due to mental health issues and also honestly laziness.  But I’m having fun getting back into this stuff 🙂

My interview at the apartment complex I’m trying to get into went well.  The apartments are absolutely gorgeous! I was amazed.  I’m hoping there’s an opening within the next month or so, or at the least sometime this summer.  They said there may be one opening in about 3 weeks, and there’s another possibility of another one becoming available soon.  Hopefully I hear something soon.

I did the unthinkable and bought a thing of decaf coffee.  While I’m typing this at 9pm I’m currently drinking a 12 oz regular caffeine content coffee, haha, so I’m not sure how this is going to go.  I just love the rush from caffeine.  I wanted the decaf so if I’m craving coffee I can just have one of those instead of drinking tons of regular coffee everyday.  My goal is to only have a regular coffee every once in awhile for a treat and stick to decaf for most of the time.  I already drink a lot of water, that’s basically all I drink aside from coffee which I generally drink black to keep from the additional calories from sugar and creamer.

I’m hoping to get a part time job this summer or at the latest in the fall.  I’m kind of waiting on hearing about the apartment availability thing though because I don’t want to add too much stress at once.  Ideally, I’d like to be moved in then work towards getting a part time job.  It may not work out that way but I’ll just have to see how things go.

 

Hope you all are doing well, thanks for reading!

Agitation and Anxiety

The spring/summer time is difficult for me.   I’m not exactly sure why but I get very agitated often during these months.  It’s like I’m ready to implode or something, it’s frustrating but I’ve been doing my best to calm myself down when this happens.  I think that I’ve made a lot of improvement over the years.  A long time ago if I was feeling like that I would generally act on impulse and do stupid/reckless things.  I’m able to recognize when I’m feeling on edge now and to take steps to chill out.

Last night it was coloring and videogames.  I enjoy coloring, it’s relaxing, hard to get myself to actually do it but once I do I get lost in it and feel a lot better afterwards because I’m doing something with my hands, coloring different pieces one at a time and focusing all of my attention.  Videogames of course are a great distraction for me.  Right now I’m playing Lets Go Pikachu.  Next game I plan on playing is Stardew Valley, I already own it but wanted to just focus on one or two games at a time.

I took a walk today and it felt really nice to get out and clear my mind.  The weather was beautiful.  Another thing I’ve been doing is turning on my scented wax tart melter.  Aromatherapy helps keep me grounded.

One problem when I get agitated and restless is that I feel so.. I don’t know how to describe it other than crawling out of my skin, so I get aggravated because at first it’s hard to get into any of these things when in the state of mine.  What I do is make myself take a deep breath and give it a shot and most of the time I ended up getting really absorbed into whatever distraction or hobby I’m doing and before I know it I’ve calmed down and feel much more relaxed, even happy.  It’s definitely a challenge but I think the more I turn to these things instead of letting emotions and feelings simmer and build up to an unbearable point the easier it will get.

Here’s a picture of the coloring page I did yesterday 🙂

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Update: Out of Zombieland

I was very depressed for a couple months.  It started easing up and I actually feel great for the first time in a long time.  Even before I was severely depressed (when it was actually seriously impacting my functioning) I had underlying apathy and negative thoughts.  For a long time I wasn’t feeling my feelings as intensely as I normally do.  And I feel things very intensely, especially happiness. I’ve always felt blessed in that way.  I don’t do drugs but I experimented as a teen and I can honestly say my happiness is actually a more intense/euphoric even physical feeling than any times I had gotten high.  I’ve finally broken out of that numbness and gotten back to that.  I’m very excited about life, I’m not just walking around like a dead person/zombie now as I was for most of 2018 and the beginning of 2019.

The only issue is I’ve been hearing things more.  I don’t know what’s more upsetting, hearing things or feeling like a freak for having those experiences.  It’s happened on and off for a large majority of my life so I should be used to it by now I guess, but still for some reason I always feel like I’ve “failed” in some way when they’re back.

Anyway, I just wanted to write an update since I haven’t written much recently.  Hope my followers are doing well! 🙂

Great Used Bookstore Finds: Eating Disorder Recovery

I got this book the other day at a local used bookstore I go to often. I have read it before but it was a long time ago so I’m going through it again. I was happy and surprised to find it there because it was actually on my list for mental health related books I wanted to buy. I’ve had very good luck finding good eating disorder recovery related books there in their psychology section. Another one I found and bought recently was “Women Food and God” by Geneen Roth. And awhile back I purchased “The Eating Disorder Sourcebook” by Carolyn Costin (Third Edition). They have amazing prices too, all of these books were just $2 each and in great condition. I love that place!

I’ve been struggling with recovery lately and I’m hoping to get inspired and start making more progress. It’s hard, much harder than I ever imagined. It’s more than stopping the behaviors, which of course is difficult in itself, the thoughts are hard to fight and they’re constantly there.