I finally got some sleep. I think it’s possible that not eating enough was contributing to it as well as all the other stuff. I barely ate anything for a couple weeks and was weighing myself 5 or more times a day. I feel SO much better since eating. I can’t do that anymore, it’s ridiculous. 6 years of bulimia, it’s been like 3 months without purging but I’ve been trying to hold onto restricting, I have to let it go completely. I forced myself to stay in bed last night even though I wanted to get up and pace around like I normally do because I had a lot of thoughts going through my mind and it was getting me really energized. So it was a long night of tossing and turning but I eventually fell asleep.
I’m really trying to make changes in my life. I did stress relief yoga last night and it felt really good. Went grocery shopping today so I finally have actual legitimate food in my apartment other than crackers. Working on dealing with my anxiety rather than letting it run rampant like it’s been the past few months.
I’m using my wax melter I recently bought, there are so many great scents available. Drawing, coloring, journaling. Just basically doing everything I can to manage stress.
Found out I qualify for the Dean’s list at my college. My GPA would technically be higher than that but I had that one semester where I stopped showing up a couple years ago because of ending up in the hospital, so since I didn’t withdraw from those classes in time my GPA went way down. It’s going back up though! After next semester I’ll be halfway done with my associates of science in human services. It’s taken me awhile since I’ve had to do it part time and take time off but I’m getting there. 🙂
Here’s a picture of my church from midnight mass on Christmas Eve
I was diagnosed the other day with a type of silent GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disease). I was experiencing chronic dry coughing which lasted a month and soreness/irritation in my chest and throat. At first I thought maybe I was getting sick because it’s the flu/cold season so I was surprised that it lasted so long. I was also confused because I wasn’t experiencing any flu or cold symptoms, usually the only time I ever cough is when I have a bad cold or something like bronchitis, plus I’m not and have never been a smoker. My main concerns were that it was driving me crazy, coughing all day, giving me headaches from doing it so much and I was worried maybe I had some sort of upper respiratory infection and I didn’t want to get people around me sick. I’m in college so when I have class part of the time I’d be coughing and the other part of the time I’d be trying to hold it in which is very uncomfortable of course! It was annoying to me so I’m sure it was annoying to others.
When I went to the doctor they diagnosed me with GERD. At first I didn’t understand because I thought GERD was strictly when someone experiences acid coming up into the mouth frequently which I have experienced before but not in a long time. They explained to me what silent GERD and how it can cause irritation in the chest and throat area and result in chronic coughing. They said it is likely that it was caused by the many years of bulimia. I was prescribed something for it and I haven’t experienced all the coughing and barely any irritation in my throat or chest for the first time in quite awhile. It’s such a relief!
I am so glad that I finally stopped the binge/purge behavior about 2 months ago. It went on for around 5 years. Purging had caused a lot of damage to my teeth over time and I always told myself I’d stop before anything else happened but continued convincing myself that I had been doing it for so long and hadn’t had any other kinds of problems so it was unlikely anything else would be affected by it. Of course, that’s completely illogical thinking. I’m glad it’s over and that I won’t cause any further damage, there’s a long list of very serious health problems resulting from bulimia, the worst being death. This motivates me to continue on my recovery. I hope anyone who’s struggling with bulimia reaches out to help from someone and takes the first step toward recovery. Take things one step at a time, your health and happiness is much more important than the effort to avoid gaining weight.
Photo taken by me in the summer of 2018 at a local rose garde,