Setbacks

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Flower I took a picture of this summer

 

I’ve been struggling with my eating disorder lately, I did so well for 3 months then the past week things kind of fell apart.  I started buying tons of junk food.  I’m not very good at doing anything in moderation, I tend towards the extreme of not eating nearly enough to the opposite of bingeing.  I kept things pretty balanced for awhile and I guess I convinced myself that I would never have another problem with this again so I ended up impulsively buying a lot of junk food trying to reason that I’d “have it around the house for a treat once in awhile” and well, I ended up bingeing for several days and purging.  I feel disappointed with myself and disgusted but I’m trying to not let this equate to “failure” in my mind.  It’s a setback that I can learn from and move on.  Obviously I learned having large quantities of junk food in my house is not an option, I don’t know how to control myself and it’s just a disaster waiting to happen.  There’s nothing wrong with having treats once in awhile but I realize I don’t have that kind of self control yet, maybe someday but I think it’s too early in recovery right now for that.  I’m just going to move forward from this and keep working on my recovery.

Thanks for reading!

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Late Night Baking

I have classes tomorrow but I decided to bake cookies because I got inspired and just felt like it. 😋🍪 I might end up having to stay up the rest of the night, don’t trust myself to wake up on time tomorrow.

Anyway, I ended up making sugar cookies with a glaze and sprinkles, I had a lot of fun making them. Cooking is so relaxing to me. Creating something that looks nice and tastes good makes me feel great. ❤️

Doing Wonderful!

Things have been going very well lately. 🙂  It’s the second week of the spring semester and I already have tons of assignments, readings, quizzes and other stuff coming from every which way!  I’m actually enjoying it though.  I love learning and it helps keep me busy.

My anxiety level has improved a lot.  I was able to face something earlier this week that was giving me anxiety for months.  Something ridiculous honestly but it’s an accomplishment for me.  Haven’t been having panic attacks, finally!

Started drawing more often and journaling.  I seem to be able to do more lately.  I was a little depressed for awhile and kind of paralyzed by anxiety so I wasn’t doing things I needed to do or even things I enjoy.  I’m motivated and happy now.

Have been eating healthier.  Much less sugar/junk food and more fruit and vegetables.  I swear I was going through sugar withdrawals for a couple days, I had such a horrible headache that would not go away and felt like crap.  My body was probably shocked by the healthy food, like what the hell is this stuff?!? lol

Bought a set of 300 anatomy study cards.  No, I am not taking an anatomy class right now…   It was partially an impulse buy and partially due to the fact that I want to learn more about the human body out of general interest and for reference when drawing.  They’re really cool!

Still reading The Chronicles of Narnia, haven’t had as much time since classes started up again but wow, it’s amazing

 

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Goals for 2019

I’ve decided to set some goals for this year.  Normally I go completely overboard and set a massive amount of unrealistic goals and I never accomplish them, because they’re overwhelming and, well, not exactly feasible most of the time.

My goals for this year are the following:

  1. Keep a regulated sleep sleep routine:  I have had so many problems regarding sleep the past several years.  I’m either sleeping way too much or not sleeping enough/at all.  So, I did end up getting on Seroquel recently for sleep and it has been helping immensely.  I generally am able to fall asleep about an hour and a half after I take it.  It slows my racing thoughts and I get good sleep.  The goal then, is to keep going to sleep every night around the same time and getting up around the same time in the morning.  I have a habit of sometimes trying to force myself to stay up for long periods of time because I get excited and come up with ideas of things I want to do and things I want to learn.  I feel very motivated at night, which is annoying because that would be helpful during the day… anyway, I’m going to try my best to stick to my routine because like most people, I’m a mess when my sleep is screwed up.
  2. Eat healthier: I did very well eating healthy for a long time but the past few months have been bad.  I’m obsessed with sugar.  Pastries, cookies, ice cream, candy bars, etc I have been on a massive sugar binge and it needs to stop.  There’s nothing wrong with having treats now and then, but I’ve been way overdoing it. And of course, I need to eat healthier stuff in general.  I’ve been going for the convenience stuff 99% of the time which is not good for health.  I also want to cook more with fresh ingredients and try new foods.
  3. Begin learning Italian: I’ve been doing this on and off for several years but haven’t made much progress because I study it sporadically.   I did take an intro to Italian class at my college which was fun but it only touched on basic stuff and they stopped offering the second level for some reason.  I’ll go months without working on it then suddenly start studying again for a week, and repeat, etc.  I’d like to put more effort into it, be consistent and learn a little more every day.
  4. Be more physically active:  I need to exercise.  I used to go to the gym a lot but I stopped for a long time.  I have a free membership to a gym with my college ID so I really have no excuse.  I’d like to walk more and do yoga when I have time as well.
  5. Devote time to drawing/art: I used to be so passionate about art and would spend hours working on drawings and paintings.  I rarely do it anymore and I really enjoy it so I want to make time for it again.
  6. Improve faith life:  Okay, so I haven’t been going to church much.  Part of it is anxiety related and part of it is not wanting to go out in the weather we’ve been having.  My relationship with God, is basically non-existent as of the past 6 months.  I’ve put God on the back burner of my life which isn’t good.  I used to be more involved in my faith and really want to work on getting connected to it again.

I plan on doing my best to make progress with these goals throughout the year.  I know it will take a lot of work but I’m committed to these goals.  Hopefully I will be able to provide and update several months from now with how things are going with them 🙂

Overboard

Screwed up.  Binged today. Very disappointed in myself.  It’s been a long time since this has happened.  I feel disgusted.  I don’t know if it’s the medication I started a few days ago or complete lack of self control (probably both).  I had the bright idea to go to the store for something, normally I go places,  get what I need and just leave (when it comes to groceries) but this time I said screw my list and got a bunch of crap I shouldn’t have because I have been extremely hungry lately and craving junk food.  I’m not letting it ruin my day, but at the same time I’m frustrated.  I seriously need to think things through more.  I ended up getting pissed at myself so I took a nap to escape instead of staying up and getting more aggravated.

Well, hopefully tomorrow I don’t make the same mistakes.  Otherwise it’s been a pretty good day 🙂

Happy Thanksgiving! (I know it’s early)

I have been having trouble coming up with topics lately, if you have any suggestions let me know in the comments.

I know the holidays are tough for a lot of people.  They can be very stressful.  I’m lucky in a way.  It’s just me and my mom and we usually do the same thing for Thanksgiving every year.  A big home cooked turkey dinner and watching the Macy’s Day Parade.  It’s relaxing for the most part.  What are you doing?

Here’s what we have every year.  My mom has some serious skills in the kitchen, it’s not the most complex stuff but man is it amazingly good:

Appetizers:
Deviled eggs
Celery with olive and cream cheese spread
Sweet baby dill pickles

Dinner:
Roasted turkey
Mashed potatoes with gravy
Corn
Sweet potatoes
Brussel sprouts
Cranberry sauce
Dinner rolls
Stuffing

Dessert:
Pumpkin pie
Pecan pie