Celebrating!

Tomorrow is the day I’ve been working really hard on getting to, it may not seem like much but it’s a huge deal for me.  6 months of recovery from bulimia.  The first day of April this year I ended up going to the hospital due to severe dehydration and an irregular heartbeat and the day after that I started getting serious about my recovery.  It hasn’t been easy, there have been ups and downs but I’ve made it.  Next goal is to make it to a year, and then the rest of my life! 🙂

Happy

Things have been going very well in my world.  My meds were tweaked just a bit more and it’s the perfect balance where I have full stability but also have the energy and motivation I need, and am not completely sedated out of my mind like I was for awhile.

I’m drawing much more frequently.  I’m able to focus, I’ve read a few books already this month.  So all in all I’m happy.  My case manager is signing me up with a vocational rehab program so I can get a part time job, I feel ready for that.  I’m keeping on top of checking for when the apartment I applied to get into is having an opening.  It’s looking like it won’t be till after the 2019 holidays because I don’t think anybody’s gonna be moving during them, which is okay.  It will be a fresh start whenever it does happen.

I’m proud to say that October will mark 6 months of eating disorder recovery.  It’s been a long rocky road but it’s getting much easier over time!

 

Thanks for reading! 🙂

Favorite Mental Health Related Books

I’m not great at reviewing books but I thought I’d at least but together a list of books that I’ve enjoyed and have helped me in with dealing with my mental illness.

These are non fiction, with the exception of one

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Here are some of my favorite mental health related books

Hearing Voices, Living Fully by Claire Bien 

Haldol and Hyacinths: A Bipolar Life by Melody Moezzi 

Bulimia a Guide to Recovery by Lindsey Hall

The Eating Disorder Sourcebook by Carolyn Costin 

What a Life Can Be: One Therapist’s Take on Schizoaffective Disorder by Carolyn Dobbins, Ph. D

The Collected Schizophrenias: Essays by Esmé Weijun Wang

Surviving Schizophrenia by E. Fuller Torrey 

Maintaining Recovery from Eating Disorders by Naomi Feigenbaum

Coping Skills: Tools and Techniques for Every Stressful Situation by Faith G. Harper 

The Soloist by Steve Lopez

Marbles: Mania, Depression, Michaelangelo and Me by Ellen Forney (graphic novel)

The Buddha and the Borderline by Kiera Van Gelder 

also, anything by Geneen Roth relating to eating disorders is good 

 

Here are some workbooks that are very helpful:

The Dialectical Behavior Skills Workbook for Bulimia by Ellen Astrachan-Fletcher and Michael Maslar

The Bipolar Survival Guide by David J. Miklowitz

The Binge Eating and Compulsive Overeating Workbook by Carolyn Coker Ross

Thoughts and Feelings, Fourth Edition: Taking Control of Your Mood and Your Life by Matthew McKay Ph. D, Martha Davis Ph. D and Patrick Fanning 

 

Fiction Mental Health Books:

The Silver Linings Playbook by Matthew Quick 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3 Months!

This coming Tuesday, July 2nd 2019 marks 3 months of recovery from my eating disorder.  I know it’s not much but it’s definitely a great start! I feel motivated to continue and am finding that there is more to life than being a certain weight.  I’ve been challenging my thoughts whenever I have negative ones that make me want to obsessively exercise or restrict and whatnot.  So I’m fighting back, and I’ve put my scale away in my closet.  I used to weigh myself multiple times a day, every day almost obsessively but it’s staying there for now and I will use it in a normal manner, as in maybe once a month.  I actually had it sitting in my kitchen which is really messed up, but anyway it’s put away now.  I’m feeling very thankful to have made this progress and am hopeful that it continues, and that anyone else who’s struggling to recover can find peace as well.

Thanks for reading! 😀

Recovery Update

Flowers

It’s 2 and a half months into my eating disorder recovery and I’m doing very well.  I’m to the point where I eat when I’m hungry and don’t obsess about whether I should or not.  I think one thing that’s helping is that I’m happy in my life.  I have hobbies and goals again.  There was a long time where I wasn’t motivated or excited about anything like I normally am.  Nothing held my interest, I just felt flat emotionally.  When I’m doing well, I’m generally a very happy person that enjoys life.  That disappeared for awhile, and I was indifferent about everything.  Last Christmas was the first time in my life that I didn’t care one way or another about the holidays.  Normally I get so excited over the them, like crazy excited! I’m sure the med changes have helped a lot.  Now that I’m stable mentally I’m able to fully enjoy my life again.

So back to the recovery part, I still worry about my weight, but I’m not obsessed about it.  I’m not doing stupid, dangerous things to be a certain weight anymore.  Finding things outside myself has helped immensely.  My faith, taking walks/being outside, art, music, and other hobbies, I have actual interests besides what I weigh for once. I was so wrapped up in my ridiculous goal to be the “perfect” weight that the rest of my life was put on the back burner.   I may have gained some recently with a medication increase but it’s not the end of the world.

I’m just me and I’m learning to be okay with that. 🙂

Progress

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I started getting obsessed with my weight again, not eating enough, overly active.  I recognized it quickly though and have consciously been making sure I don’t do that and make better decisions.  I understand recovery from eating disorders isn’t linear, and nobody’s perfect, so falling back into old habits sometimes happens.  It’s hard to change something that’s been part of your life for 7 years.  I’ve been reading through different books on the subject and I realize I do have things in my life that are more important than my weight, much more important things.  I love life, love my family (including my pets!) and friends.  I have a lot more to live for than spending my days trapped in the obsession of weight and calories.

 

Overboard

Screwed up.  Binged today. Very disappointed in myself.  It’s been a long time since this has happened.  I feel disgusted.  I don’t know if it’s the medication I started a few days ago or complete lack of self control (probably both).  I had the bright idea to go to the store for something, normally I go places,  get what I need and just leave (when it comes to groceries) but this time I said screw my list and got a bunch of crap I shouldn’t have because I have been extremely hungry lately and craving junk food.  I’m not letting it ruin my day, but at the same time I’m frustrated.  I seriously need to think things through more.  I ended up getting pissed at myself so I took a nap to escape instead of staying up and getting more aggravated.

Well, hopefully tomorrow I don’t make the same mistakes.  Otherwise it’s been a pretty good day 🙂

Starting Off the New Year Right

I finally got some sleep.  I think it’s possible that not eating enough was contributing to it as well as all the other stuff.  I barely ate anything for a couple weeks and was weighing myself 5 or more times a day.  I feel SO much better since eating. I can’t do that anymore, it’s ridiculous.  6 years of bulimia, it’s been like 3 months without purging but I’ve been trying to hold onto restricting, I have to let it go completely. I forced myself to stay in bed last night even though I wanted to get up and pace around like I normally do because I had a lot of thoughts going through my mind and it was getting me really energized.  So it was a long night of tossing and turning but I eventually fell asleep.

I’m really trying to make changes in my life.  I did stress relief yoga last night and it felt really good.  Went grocery shopping today so I finally have actual legitimate food in my apartment other than crackers.  Working on dealing with my anxiety rather than letting it run rampant like it’s been the past few months.

I’m using my wax melter I recently bought, there are so many great scents available.  Drawing, coloring, journaling.  Just basically doing everything I can to manage stress.

Found out I qualify for the Dean’s list at my college.  My GPA would technically be higher than that but I had that one semester where I stopped showing up a couple years ago because of ending up in the hospital, so since I didn’t withdraw from those classes in time my GPA went way down.  It’s going back up though! After next semester I’ll be halfway done with my associates of science in human services.  It’s taken me awhile since I’ve had to do it part time and take time off but I’m getting there. 🙂

Here’s a picture of my church from midnight mass on Christmas Eve

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Down

I haven’t posted in awhile because I’ve really been struggling with some things. Specifically a bad depressive episode, the eating disorder, and the recurrence of voices.

I felt really low for a month, I didn’t even realize it till like 3 weeks in though.  I wasn’t taking care of responsibilities, laying around, sad for no reason, exhausted all the time and sleeping too much, and some other things.  I just would kind of lay there and stare into space for an hour or so. My mind just seemed blank, I wasn’t having negative thoughts or anything, I just felt kind of flat if that makes sense.  I hadn’t been depressed in over a year and a half. I can’t remember a single major holiday like Thanksgiving and Christmas that I haven’t gotten extremely excited over till now.  I go crazy the whole holiday season usually with excitement and happiness, plans, etc. This time I didn’t feel anything at all, all the sudden it was Thanksgiving and I couldn’t feel that excitement at all.  There’s nothing I was sad or upset about, holidays are a great time for me so I was really surprised and frustrated.  I tried to force myself into the holiday spirit but it wasn’t working.  I miss that excitement, it’s almost magical.  My mood does seem to be improving though, thankfully.  I’ve been making myself get out of the house, and do some things I enjoy. This has been an unusual couple months, I was doing fantastic for over a year with everything and little to no symptoms.

The fall semester is almost over.  It ends in mid-December, then I get a month off till the spring semester.  I’m enjoying the cold weather, I love winter!

Going to see the new Fantastic Beasts movie (Crimes of Grindewald) with a friend next week.  Can’t wait!

 

Update

Hey everyone, thought I’d post an update.

I was struggling with depression and voices for a couple weeks.  I’m doing much better right now, though I’m having some reoccurring issues with my eating disorder, I’m so frustrated with it.  If anyone’s reading this do you have any tips for overcoming bulimia, coping with urges to binge?  I’ve gotten control over the purging aspect for the most part right now.

I’ve had a hard time with making myself go to bed due to anxiety over sleeping but I’ve been forcing myself to because I know it’s important.  Trying to deal with anxiety by using different coping techniques such as listening to music, mindfulness, watching funny videos, praying, taking walks, doing word puzzles, etc.  It’s helping very much.

College is going well, picked out classes for the spring semester.  Was getting behind because I wasn’t very motivated when I was depressed but I’m caught up now.

Loving the colder weather, can’t wait for snow!