Forever Learning

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There’s so much information, especially today, available online and in libraries for anyone to access and educate themselves on various topics/disciplines.  Unfortunately when in school as a kid, like many I didn’t fully appreciate my free education.  As an adult and college student I’ve grown to love learning.  Not just to get good grades and graduate, but for the sake of learning itself.  I have many interests, including but not limited to;

  • Art
  • Cooking
  • Yoga
  • Italian (Language and Culture)/ Same with Japanese
  • Psychology
  • Videogames
  • Religion
  • Mythology
  • Writing
  • Literature
  • Photography
  • Music (particularly the violin, used to play, would love to pick it up again)
  • History (never my favorite subject when I was a kid but now I feel motivated to learn more
  • Science
  • Weather/nature (volcanoes, geology)

Whenever I come across something I don’t know much about that even slightly interests me, I see it as a challenge and begin researching and learning what I can. Education is a lifelong journey.  It doesn’t have to be complex stuff, it could be as simple as a card game my friend introduced me to, I knew nothing about it and have never played any living card games but I went and learned as much as I could about it, which ended up turning into a big interest/hobby of mine.

I’m very happy that I’ve come to fully appreciate the value of education.

 

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Still Here

I had some symptoms come back with the schizoaffective.  I did well for almost a year but things escalated recently with hearing a demon talking to me and believing/ and doing some bizarre things.  I kind of was in another world for awhile.  I’ve felt good today and yesterday thankfully, I really hope that is all over, it started building up again around 5 or 6 months ago with getting depressed then went from there.  I don’t want to end up like I was in my late teens again, it scares me how out of touch with reality I was.  I hadn’t been like that in many years, I’m not sure what happened.

Right now I’m just working on getting back on track with my college stuff because I was barely showing up for classes and not doing the work.  Went from straight A’s all through college to getting very low grades recently.  I can get things back where they were it will just take some time.

 

Update

Haven’t been posting much the past few days because I was having a lot of difficulty with motivation and was feeling pretty bad. I’m starting to feel more optimistic though and things have calmed down with the voices thankfully.

I’ve been getting behind in my classes due to this, I need to get back on top of things. I know I can do it, I’ve done it before. I just have to push myself a little harder this time.

I’m trying to reconnect with my faith, I’ve felt very disconnected from it the past few months. I plan on going to mass tomorrow evening.

One good thing is I have been going to the gym a couple times a week, I find it really helpful to get excess energy out, it helps me feel more relaxed, and it’s healthy of course.

Update: Books, Games, and College

Things have been going well lately.! I’ve been getting good sleep and haven’t been having panic attacks.  I’ve only heard voices  two times in the past week and both times I was able to pull myself back into reality and disengage from them.  I’m so happy about that, I feel like I’m getting a break for once.

I’ve been dealing with my anxiety pretty well.  I have tons of ways to distract myself.  Lately it’s been reading and videogames.  I’m reading The Chronicles of Narnia right now.  I can’t believe I never began reading it until now, it’s been on my “to read” list forever.  I’m really enjoying it, the imagery from the story is amazing.  It’s been a long time since I’ve gotten into any good fantasy novels.  I love them but have been reading more non-fiction lately.

These are the games I’ve been playing (all on my Nintendo 3DS)

  • The Lord of The Rings (LEGO)
  • Animal Crossing: New Leaf
  • Pokemon Alpha Sapphire

I know there’s a new Animal Crossing game coming out this year and I can’t wait!  I don’t have a Nintendo Switch yet but will be getting one soon.  I still have so many games I own that I haven’t played yet or much of with both my 3DS and Xbox 360.

The new semester begins tomorrow.  I’m extremely anxious, but in a good way.  I’m so excited that I probably won’t be able to sleep tonight, I never am the night before something I’m really looking forward to happens.

Oh yeah, we got over a foot of snow, 15 inches to be exact.  I love it!  It’s super cold outside. 😀

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Starting Off the New Year Right

I finally got some sleep.  I think it’s possible that not eating enough was contributing to it as well as all the other stuff.  I barely ate anything for a couple weeks and was weighing myself 5 or more times a day.  I feel SO much better since eating. I can’t do that anymore, it’s ridiculous.  6 years of bulimia, it’s been like 3 months without purging but I’ve been trying to hold onto restricting, I have to let it go completely. I forced myself to stay in bed last night even though I wanted to get up and pace around like I normally do because I had a lot of thoughts going through my mind and it was getting me really energized.  So it was a long night of tossing and turning but I eventually fell asleep.

I’m really trying to make changes in my life.  I did stress relief yoga last night and it felt really good.  Went grocery shopping today so I finally have actual legitimate food in my apartment other than crackers.  Working on dealing with my anxiety rather than letting it run rampant like it’s been the past few months.

I’m using my wax melter I recently bought, there are so many great scents available.  Drawing, coloring, journaling.  Just basically doing everything I can to manage stress.

Found out I qualify for the Dean’s list at my college.  My GPA would technically be higher than that but I had that one semester where I stopped showing up a couple years ago because of ending up in the hospital, so since I didn’t withdraw from those classes in time my GPA went way down.  It’s going back up though! After next semester I’ll be halfway done with my associates of science in human services.  It’s taken me awhile since I’ve had to do it part time and take time off but I’m getting there. 🙂

Here’s a picture of my church from midnight mass on Christmas Eve

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Another Update – Winter Break

Today was the last day of classes for the fall semester!  I just have to go in and take my final exam for Intro to Social Work next week.  It’s been a difficult semester, not academically speaking, but from having a lot of mental health issues interfering in my life.  I guess I got used to not having bad symptoms for well over a year, it just was really unexpected and threw me way off.  It snowed today, so happy about that.  Not enough in my opinion, I love snow, the more the better!  But at least it’s something.  It’s pretty strange that we’ve hardly have had any snow so far, normally we start getting it by mid October.

I’ve been drawing more lately, when I get my graded sketchbook back from my art class next week I’ll post some pics.  There’s some stuff in there I’m pretty proud of.

Looking forward to Christmas.  Can’t wait till midnight mass.  The service is always amazingly beautiful.

Started going to the gym again.  It feels great!  🙂

Allowing Others to Help

So… things have been rocky but are looking up.  I think part of my problem is that I really dislike needing and asking for help.  I called and scheduled an earlier appointment with my therapist, we had one scheduled for a few weeks from now, but I realized I need some support during this time.  I’ve never done that before in over 3 years of seeing her.  She was completely fine with it of course.  I started having re occurrence of symptoms several months ago, but let it go because I thought it wasn’t that big of a deal or important enough to mention.  I thought I could deal with it myself, and I did try.  I tried very hard, to “fix” the symptoms without informing my doctor or therapist about them, until finally realizing that I need to ask for help, I can’t do everything completely on my own.  I can use my coping skills of course, to make things more manageable, but when voices and whatnot are so bad that I’m wanting to escape from life, there’s only so much I can do. Somehow I’ve maintained getting As in the classes I’m taking, and completing huge papers on time.  Not exactly sure how, the past couple weeks were kind of a blur.  I’m really hard on myself especially with college.  I love learning and want the degree I’m working towards more than anything, so when this started affecting my education again I got worried. It’s definitely a good thing the semester ends in two weeks.  I will be off till the end of January.

Another issue related to this is that I felt like a complete failure for hearing voices again.  I had a year with virtually no symptoms, not even mood problems. It was amazing, the most peaceful time in my life.  When I started dealing with this stuff again I felt like I screwed up or did something wrong somehow.  I just viewed myself as a failure, like there’s some sort of flaw with me as a person.  I’m starting to realize that those beliefs are not true.  I’m not a bad person or failure for having symptoms come back.  A year with none was great but considering I spent a large part of my life with them it’s unlikely that they would go away 100% forever.  I mean, it’s possible, who knows, maybe someday.  I’m going to keep moving forward and managing things the best I can, while allowing others to help me as well when necessary.

 

 

Update

Hey everyone, thought I’d post an update.

I was struggling with depression and voices for a couple weeks.  I’m doing much better right now, though I’m having some reoccurring issues with my eating disorder, I’m so frustrated with it.  If anyone’s reading this do you have any tips for overcoming bulimia, coping with urges to binge?  I’ve gotten control over the purging aspect for the most part right now.

I’ve had a hard time with making myself go to bed due to anxiety over sleeping but I’ve been forcing myself to because I know it’s important.  Trying to deal with anxiety by using different coping techniques such as listening to music, mindfulness, watching funny videos, praying, taking walks, doing word puzzles, etc.  It’s helping very much.

College is going well, picked out classes for the spring semester.  Was getting behind because I wasn’t very motivated when I was depressed but I’m caught up now.

Loving the colder weather, can’t wait for snow!

 

Productive Days

Since I’ve been getting sleep I’ve been getting a lot of stuff done and have been very motivated.  Today I read 90 pages total in two textbooks and a pdf article , went to the store, went to class, plus had lunch with my sister.  Yesterday I finished writing a 7 page paper I had procrastinated on, cleaned my apartment, finished coloring a sketch.

I’m extremely happy with this change and hope to keep it up.  I got the letter from my professor for my service learning paper so I can volunteer at a local agency for a couple hours then write about it.  I decided to sign up to help serve a meal at a non profit organization that cooks dinners for the hungry every evening.

You Can Succeed

Well, the title is pretty cheesy but it’s reality,  You can succeed in life no matter what mental illness ails you.   There is help out there, reach out to a school counselor, a therapist, a psychiatrist if necessary.  You can get to a point where you are stable, it may take time and several med adjustments but you can accomplish your goals.  Whether it be going to college, learning to draw, learning to play an instrument or getting a job, you can succeed just like any other person, it will just take more time and patience.  I started college right out of High School but wasn’t currently diagnosed with this illness yet and didn’t even make it past the first week due to distracting symptoms.   Now, a few years later, I am stable enough to try again.  I am taking 2 classes and am doing very well in both of them.  What are some of your goals?