So… things have been rocky but are looking up. I think part of my problem is that I really dislike needing and asking for help. I called and scheduled an earlier appointment with my therapist, we had one scheduled for a few weeks from now, but I realized I need some support during this time. I’ve never done that before in over 3 years of seeing her. She was completely fine with it of course. I started having re occurrence of symptoms several months ago, but let it go because I thought it wasn’t that big of a deal or important enough to mention. I thought I could deal with it myself, and I did try. I tried very hard, to “fix” the symptoms without informing my doctor or therapist about them, until finally realizing that I need to ask for help, I can’t do everything completely on my own. I can use my coping skills of course, to make things more manageable, but when voices and whatnot are so bad that I’m wanting to escape from life, there’s only so much I can do. Somehow I’ve maintained getting As in the classes I’m taking, and completing huge papers on time. Not exactly sure how, the past couple weeks were kind of a blur. I’m really hard on myself especially with college. I love learning and want the degree I’m working towards more than anything, so when this started affecting my education again I got worried. It’s definitely a good thing the semester ends in two weeks. I will be off till the end of January.
Another issue related to this is that I felt like a complete failure for hearing voices again. I had a year with virtually no symptoms, not even mood problems. It was amazing, the most peaceful time in my life. When I started dealing with this stuff again I felt like I screwed up or did something wrong somehow. I just viewed myself as a failure, like there’s some sort of flaw with me as a person. I’m starting to realize that those beliefs are not true. I’m not a bad person or failure for having symptoms come back. A year with none was great but considering I spent a large part of my life with them it’s unlikely that they would go away 100% forever. I mean, it’s possible, who knows, maybe someday. I’m going to keep moving forward and managing things the best I can, while allowing others to help me as well when necessary.