Awake and Alive

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The above image is a sketch I did a few months ago.  I really enjoy nature! 🙂

 

Hello!

I know my posts have been very sporadic and not very interesting.  I had some serious struggles with my mental health the past several months and am going through med changes and adjustments.  I’m beginning to feel normal and actually happy for the first time in quite awhile.  I’m able to sleep too which is always nice!

Right now I’m reading a book called Surviving Schizophrenia by E. Fuller Torrey, M.D. (6th Edition)  It’s very interesting and strange at the same time.  I’m reading about this stuff and looking back and seeing how things progressed over my teen years to the first major episode when I was 18.  I had no clue back then, didn’t recognize any of the signs and symptoms as they slowly crept in.  Even years later I had trouble figuring out how it all happened,  to me looking back it seemed like all the sudden I lost my mind but that’s definitely not how it actually occurred.  There were major signs and problems leading up to the onset.  Things I could never explain or even knew there were terms for.  Even up till now I’ve always assumed in addition to the schizoaffective I was just a really bizarre person but they were actually signs and symptoms I wasn’t aware of.

I don’t feel disoriented right now, I feel peaceful.  I really am hoping this lasts.  I’m feeling motivated to get back into my artwork as I’m able to concentrate now.  Trying to do things to take care of my mental health.  Staying in somewhat of a routine at least with sleeping and eating.  Getting some exercise and going out of the house everyday, cleaning, keeping up with personal hygiene, doing things I enjoy. Yes, personal hygiene.  That’s embarrassing to say but it’s a struggle with many mental illnesses and tends to really decline when a person isn’t doing well.

So, I hope to start making posts at least somewhat regularly.  I hope my readers are doing well!

I also wanted to share two links that I’ve found helpful to refer to when struggling with hearing distressing voices

https://www.rw.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/hvnwa-coping-stratigies-poster.pdf

http://www.hearing-voices.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Hearing_Voices_Coping_Strategies_web.pdf

 

 

 

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Still Here

I had some symptoms come back with the schizoaffective.  I did well for almost a year but things escalated recently with hearing a demon talking to me and believing/ and doing some bizarre things.  I kind of was in another world for awhile.  I’ve felt good today and yesterday thankfully, I really hope that is all over, it started building up again around 5 or 6 months ago with getting depressed then went from there.  I don’t want to end up like I was in my late teens again, it scares me how out of touch with reality I was.  I hadn’t been like that in many years, I’m not sure what happened.

Right now I’m just working on getting back on track with my college stuff because I was barely showing up for classes and not doing the work.  Went from straight A’s all through college to getting very low grades recently.  I can get things back where they were it will just take some time.

 

Hello, another random update

Pokémon Sword and Shield for the Nintendo Switch was announced yesterday! I’m so excited, the graphics and locations look phenomenal in the video from the Nintendo Direct. I’m not sure which one I’ll be getting, it won’t be out till December 31st, 2019 but it’s available for pre-order already. I’m finally getting a Switch in a few weeks! Can’t wait 😃

It snowed a few inches last night so I took the above picture. I love pine trees, they’re beautiful, especially covered in snow ❄️

So, I’m trying to improve my concentration, it’s been terrible lately. I know the only way it’s going to get better is if I work on it consistently. I watch a movie or even show and pause them like 15 times throughout and do other things. It’s taken me over 2 months to get three quarters through a book that normally would have taken me a few days to a week max.

Update: Out of Zombieland

I was very depressed for a couple months.  It started easing up and I actually feel great for the first time in a long time.  Even before I was severely depressed (when it was actually seriously impacting my functioning) I had underlying apathy and negative thoughts.  For a long time I wasn’t feeling my feelings as intensely as I normally do.  And I feel things very intensely, especially happiness. I’ve always felt blessed in that way.  I don’t do drugs but I experimented as a teen and I can honestly say my happiness is actually a more intense/euphoric even physical feeling than any times I had gotten high.  I’ve finally broken out of that numbness and gotten back to that.  I’m very excited about life, I’m not just walking around like a dead person/zombie now as I was for most of 2018 and the beginning of 2019.

The only issue is I’ve been hearing things more.  I don’t know what’s more upsetting, hearing things or feeling like a freak for having those experiences.  It’s happened on and off for a large majority of my life so I should be used to it by now I guess, but still for some reason I always feel like I’ve “failed” in some way when they’re back.

Anyway, I just wanted to write an update since I haven’t written much recently.  Hope my followers are doing well! 🙂

Cats and Comfort

My cats are so wonderful, I never really realized how much they help me with some of my symptoms.  Sometimes I get really agitated when I’m having auditory hallucinations, I end up pacing obsessively.  I noticed that one of my cats gets really upset when I do that, she doesn’t like it at all, she knows somethings wrong with me.  She’s literally pulled me back to reality at times and I would make myself sit down and try to calm down instead of working myself up even more.  Of course, both of them are wonderful, they know when I’m upset or anxious.  They always make me smile and are so relaxing when they’re laying down with/on me.  They’ve got such unique personalities, they’re definitely family!

I had times in the past where I would be very depressed and having serious thoughts of suicide, but I wouldn’t act on it because I would miss them and I didn’t want them to go through not having someone to take care of them and ending up in a shelter, I would never want them to be abandoned like that.  It’s really true that pets are great for reducing anxiety, they provide unconditional love and are so wonderful.

These are my two girls, the orange one is Annie, she’s 6 years old.  She was a rescue I got when she was a kitten.

The greyish one is named Kitten, she’s 10 years old and I got her from a friend when she was 4 years old, the friend of mine was moving and couldn’t bring Kitten with her so she let me have her.  🙂

Update

Haven’t been posting much the past few days because I was having a lot of difficulty with motivation and was feeling pretty bad. I’m starting to feel more optimistic though and things have calmed down with the voices thankfully.

I’ve been getting behind in my classes due to this, I need to get back on top of things. I know I can do it, I’ve done it before. I just have to push myself a little harder this time.

I’m trying to reconnect with my faith, I’ve felt very disconnected from it the past few months. I plan on going to mass tomorrow evening.

One good thing is I have been going to the gym a couple times a week, I find it really helpful to get excess energy out, it helps me feel more relaxed, and it’s healthy of course.

Update

I’m not exactly sure how this happened but I ended up sleeping all of last night plus half of the day.  Couldn’t seem to get out of bed.

In general though things have been going well.  I feel motivated and am enjoying my classes.  I’ve been facing my anxiety more. I finally renewed my gym membership and started working out again.  It feels so good, I don’t understand why I didn’t go for the past 6 months.  I wanted to, but I had anxiety about it for some reason even though I used to go all the time, something about going started making me feel anxious.  I guess I go through phases where I don’t like leaving the house.  It’s been better though.  I’m getting out of the house almost every day of the week now.

Watched the movie Deadpool last night for the first time.  OMG.  It was amazing, why has it taken me this long to see it!? So damn funny. I’ll probably be watching Deadpool 2 during the week.

Still reading The Chronicles of Narnia.  It’s taking me much longer than books normally take me because I’ve been having trouble concentrating, it’s great though.  Also reading The Conundrum by David Owen for my Environmental Science class.  It’s basically about how improved efficiency and technological advances that may be intended to help us lessen our effects on the environment can sometimes backfire and cause additional environmental problems.  It’s very interesting.

I’ll likely be up all night and during the day tomorrow.  I don’t see myself sleeping after all the sleep I just got and because I’ve got plans to hang out with a friend tomorrow.

Will be watching a horror movie later,  The Nun.  I’m going to start working on drawing some manga style art using a tutorial book on it I got from the library.

Thanks for reading!  What’s everyone else watching, reading, or playing?

 

 

Late Night Baking

I have classes tomorrow but I decided to bake cookies because I got inspired and just felt like it. 😋🍪 I might end up having to stay up the rest of the night, don’t trust myself to wake up on time tomorrow.

Anyway, I ended up making sugar cookies with a glaze and sprinkles, I had a lot of fun making them. Cooking is so relaxing to me. Creating something that looks nice and tastes good makes me feel great. ❤️